


Module

by bloomoonbaby



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: M/M, Sex Education, There is a dildo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-14
Updated: 2013-09-14
Packaged: 2017-12-26 13:13:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,157
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/966337
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bloomoonbaby/pseuds/bloomoonbaby
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lister, Rimmer and the rest of the technicians are forced onto a learning module regarding safe-sex.  It is awkward and crackfic. Set before the accident and Hollister is a bit of a jerk.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Module

**Author's Note:**

  * For [horselizard](https://archiveofourown.org/users/horselizard/gifts).



> Inspired by a comment made by Horselizard in a imagineyourotp post prompting you to imagine them sitting together in sex-ed class. I tried to resist writing this but I was sitting in the lunch-break room and this whole fic suddenly fell on me like a pile of bricks and then I walked home in the rain cackling to myself at the imagery. I probably terrified motorists.

Captain Hollister was sweaty, incredibly sweaty noted Lister who was sitting in back of the row of the classroom as the captain stood in front of the class with the health and education officer. He leaned back in the chair, so the front legs of the chair dangled over the hopelessly dull and gray ship floor, grinning widely as the normally calm and collected captain was being instructed, more drilled, by the strict and firm health and education officer on how to roll a condom onto a unsurprisingly gaudy silicone dildo.

"This is a laugh man!" Lister whispered to his neighbour grinning wickedly as the officer slapped the blushing Hollister's hand as he tried to roll the condom on backwards.

"The ring needs to be on the outside!" She hissed, snatching the condom out of his handing and demonstrating with one swift movement, for the fifth time, how to roll it down. Lister's neighbour, Rimmer who had chosen to sit at the back today, rather than his usual front and centre, as far away from the awkward performance as possible turned to look at Lister.

"A laugh?" Rimmer whispered back his voice strangled between incredulity and horror, "This is awful."

"I know but still funny" Lister snickered quietly leaning even further back on the chair as the officer made Hollister unwrap the sixth condom and explaining to him as if he was a child, again on how to put on the condom.

"Why do we have to sit through this painfully stupid fresher course on safe sex anyway? Just because some people like El Lardo up there," Rimmer waved his hand up at the front of the class where the mortified Hollister had just knocked over the dildo, "Still doesn't know how to slip, slop, slap and wrap and as a result, spread galaxy gonorrhoea amongst the over forties, us in the know shouldn't have to sit here and suffer." Rimmer put his face in his hands and sighed loudly, "Even PD would be a better use of my time."

"It probably is a better use of your time," Lister agreed, "It's not like you've had sex." Instantly Rimmer jumped to his feet staring down at the grinning scouser ready for a fight but before he had the chance to bite back the voice of Hollister boomed across the classroom.

"That's enough Rimmer!" Rimmer flinched and instantly sat back, trying to sink down in his seat so all of the heads that whipped around to look at Rimmer couldn't see as much of his embarrassment. Lister laughed still leaning back in his seat and a couple of the others in the class joined in weakly glad for the distraction.

But Rimmer's embarrassing experience wasn't over yet. Hollister managed to gain back some of his control from being treated like an imbecile in front of a classroom of technicians and with that a  sadistic urge to make someone suffer a similar embarrassment. He grabbed a condom from the box that the officer had provided for learning and grabbed the dildo.

He strode down the laughing aisles of technicians to the mortified Rimmer, the technicians who noticed him doing so immediately clapping their traps. Hollister stood directly in front of Rimmer's desk, hands on his hips in a dominant pose, the dildo detracted from the pose but it was still quite impressive. Lister too stopped laughing, his eyes narrowing slightly and he leaned forward so all of the legs of the chair steadied themselves on the floor. Hollister looked down at the second technician with his head in his hands and then slammed the dildo down onto the desk. Rimmer jumped in his seat away from the desk and the dildo, his face now grey. He tried to look at Hollister, but couldn't meet his eye and he couldn't bear to look down at the desk so he just closed his eyes.

 

"Why don't you show us here how it is done," barked Hollister holding out the golden foil packet, "If you are so knowledgeable." Rimmer gulped, aware that all eyes were on him. He couldn't run nor could he stay and show Hollister how to do that. No way, then Lister would have definite proof that he was a pathetic thirty year old virgin. Well he would be pathetic no matter what but people like Lister and the technicians in this room used this information to mock and ridicule. He just couldn't. He opened one eye to peep at the dildo in front of him. It was a horrid shade of pink, Rimmer wasn't sure, he wanted to say puce. Well actually, he wanted to puke but he couldn't do that. Not here. He looked, still with one eye, to the foil packet still in Hollister's hand and his hand twitched on the desk.

He couldn't do it... no way. His mouth fell open and he tried to move his tongue so he could say something to try to get the heat off. Before he could do that though a hand came out of nowhere and snatched the condom out of Hollister's hand.

"Lister!" scolded the captain half angry and half surprised. Rimmer looked at Lister and to his disbelief he had moved closer to Rimmer's elbow, ripped open the condom and had placed it inside his mouth. Pushing Hollister's hand away from the desk he moved forward and expertly engulfed the dildo whole. He moaned and made some indecent slurping sounds that made quite a few people including Rimmer and Hollister uncomfortable, before slowly pulling away giving Rimmer a wink as he did. The second technician squirmed even more in his seat as the dildo plopped out of Lister's mouth with a wet plop and a self-satisfied hum. The condom was perfectly in place

 

"Like that captain?" He asked brightly. Hollister just gaped, jumping himself as the education officer touched him as she looked over his at the dildo.

"Yes perfect!" she purred, "You don't need to be here. I'll sign you off."

"Great!" Lister exclaimed, "Come on Rimmer." He grabbed the older man by the wrist and dragged him out of the room before Hollister could keep them behind. Once out in the corridor Lister let go of Rimmer and they both automatically started the trip back to their sleeping quarters.

"You ok?" Lister asked casually, trying  not to let on or admit that he had pulled that stunt for the sake of saving Rimmer instead of getting out of that learning module. Rimmer nodded. They walked in silence and it was until they got back to the sleeping quarters Rimmer finally managed to word the question that had been forming in his head.

"How did you do that?" He managed to spit out. Lister looked at him with that trademark chipmunk chippery grin of his and purred...

 

"You'll at least need to buy me a drink before I show you how I do that trick."

 

 


End file.
